Sunday, April 20, 2008

"fix you..."

do listen to this song...its' nice...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your faceI promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

hope each one of us finds our "I"....Amen....

Thursday, April 10, 2008

life is beautiful...

There are times when you feel really really low, depressed, sad....evrything around seems meaningless...all you feel like doing is crying out...and you know that there's absolutely no reason for doing that...but thats something you just feel like and there's nothing wrong in just doing what you feel like...ain't it..!?!and to put an icing on the cake, you don't know the reason for this mess...for me...I know the reason..."hormones at work"...one of those days that make you feel pathetic!! just a biological phenomenon...nothing more...nothing less...all that you need is to pull yourself up and "DO" something...sitting, thinking just helps to worsen the situation...and hello! why on the earth am I writing all this!! The reason is simple enough...I am "doing" something...after pulling myself up...the weather's really nice out here...the songs are one of my "all time favorites"...Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi...there's something about the songs that just soothes me completely...now when I sit here and think about the state I was in fifteen minutes back...all I do is smile...I then realize the sadly funny part of all of us, somewhere deep down in each one us is a compulsive self obsessed creature...My wishes, My concerns, My problems, My sorrows, My life, My life's story, and the list never ends...when I see myself in this state from a third person's perspective, I feel so low and shallow...I am on the verge of losing my self respect...but never lose it...'coz each time I find myself in this mess, I just pull myself out of it....look at myself from the eyes of a person who has problems bigger than mine.. sorrows greater than mine...challenges more serious than mine...and all that remains is a guilt inside of being so self obsessed...self centered comforted by a feeling of thankfulness to God who has blessed me with such a lovely life ....parents that are too great to be expressed in words...family that has stood by me always, friends who are some of the most wonderful people I have met, ability to be independent socially and financially, experiences that have made me a better person than what I was, and maturity to understand all these things and then I promise myself of not falling in this trap very often and whenever I am into this mode, then thinking the same each time...

My life is a beautiful song,
so what if I am not that great a singer to sing it along,
melody of this song is so eternal and beautiful,
that even my "not so melodious" voice manages to make it meaningful...

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Gudi Padwa


Naveen varshachya hardik shubhechcha!!
Wish you all a very Happy New Year!!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

food for thought...

After a usual day at work, I came back home and did something that I always chose to unwind myself....."read something good".....it just makes u feel so much better...giving yourself a break from everything and everyone around is so much welcome! ain't it!? For today, it was a beautiful coincidence to read something that I have been thinking about since the past few days...expecting your partner to have reading habits...its' been a debatable topic...I would always prefer a person who is fond of reading....not necessarily that the choice of books or "stuff to read" needs to be the exact same as mine....reading in one way or the other just expands the scope of conversations...at the end of everything...its' about conversing...about something you know...or something you do not know....it enhances you as a person...expands your realm of thoughts....at least I think so...obviously...its' not the only thing I would look in my partner....but yeah it is one of the "important things" for me...I have had experiences in the past where people came out as a complete turn offs just 'coz I couldn't converse with 'em at all! The next stage comes on the choice of books...but thats putting up specification of choices on a real HIGH level!

I came across this article by Rachael Donaldo (She is a writer and editor at the Book Review.) which presented the same idea in a really interesting manner...do check it out...!

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/30/books/review/Donadio-t.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Monday, March 31, 2008

harsh realities...

It was a tiring day...for all not-so-funny reasons...its' been more than an year I have been living in the U S of A...and there are so many things I like about this place....I like the way things are planned here....the infrastructure, the development....blah blah blah...but then there are so many more-important-things-for-me that I find absent here...for which I miss being in India...miss the people of India...there are times when the whole life here seems SO robotic and mechanical to me...something as silly as a small bump on the road...!! Guess what! You have a BIG signboard for that too!! I mean....c'mon guys! gimme a brk! People here are SO used to living in the "perfect world" ....no offence meant....but they don't have the slightest of idea of what the world is like outside their shell!! isn't it a way of actually retarding people's ability to think!?!? I came across so many instances that proved that people here are not used to use much of their brains for day to day activities...goto a shop...get something....the screen will tell the person at the counter how much money to get, how much to return...! one of the days...I happened to give a lot of change at one of the shops (just to finish those coins up)...the dame at the counter got SO freaked out with the thought of counting the whole bunch! I just remembered the 10 year old kid who used to manage the small shop when his dad was out for lunch and the ease with which he used to calculate the totals and returns and change and everything! its' suchcha natural phenomenon that your brian actually stops thinking when everything around you so mechanically perfect...!! Perfection in this form is not that good an idea I guess!
But today was a different day for all possible not-so-pleasant reasons...Jags, happenend to sprain his back badly while playing soccer yesterday...poor guy was hardly able to walk....we decided to take him to the emergency section to avoid the hassels of getting an appointment ( the earliest we can get an appointment with a doc is the next day)! The day ahead bought me face to face with one of the crudest realities of a common man living in the US of A!! I found the term "EMERGENCY" redefined completely...it all started by the long process of documentation of the whole story...the personal details....details of the insurance...details of the ailment...blah blah blah!! I wonder what do these guys do with a person who's struggling with life and death when he arrives to them!! after completing the elaborate process of documentation, started our ordeal to wait-for-a-call-by-the-doc!! for a person in the emergency section, it took almost 5 HOURS to get a call from the DOC!! and believe me that was not funny at all!! I am supposed to be a relatively "patient" creature...but today, its' limit was checked...we could see Jags in that acute unbearable pain...and each time I went to one of the attendants to check when can we get assisted by a medico, all we got back was "I really can't say...the doc is attending more critical patients right now..."; or "its' not a first come first serve basis...we are attending cases by priority"...!! I mean what the @$*#$@ all it reminded me was a govt hospital in India...(I guess even there the wait time is less than this!) finally after a wait of 5 long hours...Jags was taken inside one of the emergency ward rooms...with a tag "The doc is on his way...he'll assist you in 15-20 minutes"....and the doc did came...and the doc did examined JAgs...and the doc did gave his prescription....with a slight difference in his schedule...instead of arriving after 15-20 minutes....he arrived after 3 hours! I don't blame the poor soul for this...but all I was trying to comprehend in the meantime was...Is the state medical assisstance that bad in the most powerful and resourceful country of the world...in the US of A!?!?! In between the wait time of 3 hours for the doc, when I went out to check with one of the persons at the counter as to when the doc will actually arrive, I got an answer that shocked me from inside. She replied, "Please bear with us...we have only one doctor to attend the emergency cases...he'll be there shortly...we have called another doctor to speed up the process..." I was like WTF!!! I never knew that the place US of A is short of medicos!! the statistics that I knew depicted a completely different picture! after today, I have some serious doubts on my statistical knowledge on such things!

But then alls well that ends well!! Finally the doc arrived to check Jags, a really sweet and cheerful and last but not the least a very effecient guy...didn't take much for him to figure out the problem and then writing a prescription....and then we off from that place....hoping JAgs gets well soon! and hoping no one falls sick in USA...its' a crime!
In midst of all these events, I was passing my time watching people around...and believe me that was not a pleasant experience at all...I watched old people, suffering from ailments, coming on their own to the "Emergency ward"...getting their Xrays and Blood tests done...all alone...I thought of myself...how I hate to be alone when I am sick...how would these people be feeling in a situation when they are counting the days of their lives backward, and there they are alone...with their agonies...with their pains...gave me just another reason why I love India more than any other place...'coz my India has all those things that more important to me than the things it doesn't...it has the soul....it has feelings...it has empathy...it has love...it has respect....in all its' forms...I keep my fingers crossed that it doesn;t lose its' soul in the race of going ahead..."developing" ahead....
MERA BHARAT MAHAN!!!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

to let you look at what he's missing -- as long as you are willing to let him do the same to you...


you guys gotto read this! A dear friend shared this with me...

Everyone tries to create a story in their heads to explain the things that baffle them. For the same reason we want to know how a magic trick works, or how mystery novel ends, we want to know how someone different, strange, or disfigured came to be as they are. Everyone does it. It's natural. It's curiosity.But before any of us can ponder or speculate - we react. We stare. Whether it is a glance or a neck twisting ogle, we look at that which does not seem to fit in our day to day lives. It is that one instant of unabashed curiosity - more reflex than conscious action - that makes us who we are and has been one of my goals to capture over the past year. It is after this instant that we try to hazard a guess as to why such an anomalous person exists. Was it disease? Was it a birth defect? Was it a landmine? These narratives all come fromthe context in which we live our lives. Illness, drugs, calamity, war - all of these might become potential stories depending upon what we are exposed to in connection withdisability. In each photograph the subjects share a commonality, but what does their context say? Looking at each face, I saw humanity. Rolling through their streets, I found theunique cultures and customs that created an individual.
-Kevin Connolly ====================================================================
What Are You Looking At? Born without legs, Kevin Connolly snaps photos of people staring at him -- turning the watchers into the watched.
When Kevin Connolly was ten years old his family took him to Disney World, but for some theme park visitors that day, it was Connolly who quickly became the main attraction.Born without legs but otherwise healthy, Connolly traveled the world, taking pictures of people as they stared at him. "I remember distinctly being surrounded by Japanese tourists trying to take my photograph without talking to me or asking me," he says from his apartment in Bozeman, Montana. "My dad was right behind me, and I remember him getting pretty frustrated with the whole process, because it was something that was happening every single day." Born without legs, Connolly was already used to the stares of strangers -- but that moment would help him start to understand that the lens could work in both directions. On a solo trip to Europe, more than a decade later, he was riding his skateboard down a Vienna street when he felt a man staring at him.Connolly lifted his camera to his hip, pointed it toward the man and without even looking through the viewfinder, clicked off five or six shots. Connolly would repeat that action 32,000 more times during his travels, creating a diverse portfolio of individuals from a broad assortment of countries. He posted some of these images online, under the title "The Rolling Exhibition." What he captured was a paradigm shift, turning the watchers into the watched. In the process he discovered something about them -- and himself. "While these people have, on the surface, an expression of pity or sadness or curiosity, looking at the legless guy on a skateboard," he says, "at the same time, they're opening themselves up; they're incredibly vulnerable." For a photographer that kind of image is the Holy Grail. Connolly, from his unique perspective (he's three feet seven inches tall), seems to have found a way to capture it over and over again using himself as his subjects' focal point. He explains his technique as not baiting people, but inviting them to look. "If you were someone on the street," he says, "and I was passing you, my eye line would either be straight ahead, down at the ground, or more often, off in the other way with my head turned so that it would give the viewer full permission to stare without the potential of getting caught." "Patting a legless guy on the head and telling him that he's really inspirational... is probably the last thing you wanna hear when you're trying to seriously work on a photo project." — Kevin Connolly While gratifying artistically, it's also an unsettling position for the 22-year-old University of Montana photography student. Connolly has spent most of his life shrugging off the perhaps well-intentioned, but ultimately dismissive, stereotypical role of the "inspiring" physically-challenged individual. "That's just people looking for the easy answers," says Connolly. "So patting a legless guy on the head and telling him that he's really inspirational, and it's so amazing how quick and fast he can get around is probably the last thing you wanna hear when you're trying to seriously work on a photo project." But Connolly isn't normal. In fact, he lives much more adventurously than many of us. With the exception of his missing legs, due to a random birth defect, the rest of his body is fine, all organs intact and fully functional. A prosthetics manufacturer created a custom body shoe for him that looks like a leather bowl covered on the outside with a rubber tread for traction. Connolly uses the device to protect and cushion his torso during most of his activities. Growing up, Connolly says his parents didn't coddle him and raised him like any other outdoor-loving Montana family. They took him camping and hiking. Connolly became an avid rock climber and a champion skier who took a silver medal in the X-Games. With the prize money he won in that contest, he decided to travel alone throughout Europe and Asia. It was on that journey he began shooting the photos that would become the Rolling Exhibition. Connolly is a champion skier and avid rock climber. But Connolly learned something else during his photographic odyssey -- something that raised the issue of identity. Many of the people he met, it seemed, did not wait for him to explain the reason for the absence of his legs. Instead, they automatically supplied their own narrative, one uniquely suited to their own environment or personal sensibilities. For example, while traveling in New Zealand a woman asked Connolly if he was the victim of a shark attack. In Romania some thought he was a beggar; at a bar in Montana aman bought him a beer and thanked him for his service, believing Connolly was a wounded veteran of the Iraq War. Connolly says he learns more from people by not correcting their assumptions. "On the one hand, it's surreal to have that happen to you and to have that projection put upon you," he says. "But on the other hand, it's a great clue as to what's going on inside someone's head." He's happy, he says, to be their blank slate, if that's what they need from him -- a point he makes in a striking Internet video he made to promote the Rolling Exhibition. In it, he walks on his hands onto the middle of a stark white backdrop, his face blurred by the glare of a powerful light, which slowly drops in intensity until his face is revealed. What it also seems to reveal is that he is a man willing, for a moment at least, to be the object of your gaze, to let you look at what he's missing -- as long as you are willing to let him do the same to you. Kevin Connolly graduates from college in May and says his next photographic journey could include exploring some of the world's conflict zones.


Sunday, March 16, 2008

the break is over...


almost 6months....pretty long time....the longest for my blog to remain dormant...I guess it needed a break! not that I haven't been writing; but my writing all this while is nothing but just "scribbling" in the truest possible sense...nothing more...nothing less...nothing worthwhile to put on the blog...life has been good all this while...things happening around...another phase of life that bought a new set of people, new set of experiences, new set of lessons learnt in the journey of my life...each of those helping me grow as a human being...making me realize about everything I need to improve in myself...adding salt n' pepper to my life's recipie in perfect proportions!! something or the other has been happening around since I came to San Antonio from Chicago...after six months suddenly I realized that I have turned into a workaholic...spending 12-15 hours in the office everyday...most of the times, even the weekends are not spared from this...but the best part is...I am enjoying it....I don;t remember the last time I had worked SO much ;)) so typically unlike me...times b/w the work remind me of old days...and I get nostalgic...apart from work, things have been happening around...attachments and detachments have become a part of life...I guess I have become pretty used to these...but most of the times its' difficult to make people understand that detachments dont stop you from caring about people...its' a pretty ironical and confusing line...but I live with it...now when I look back...there have been so many instances when I detached myself from people but that didn't stop me from caring about them...that detachment is simply a way to minimise the probability of letting others hurt you...as for the caring is concerned, that you always do by your choice...maybe its' just a way to make your life easy...I just happened to read Abhi's blog the other day in which he mentioned about turning into a workaholic and how irritated he used to become with certain people around...and the whole thing made me feel just one thing....Deja Vou!! sans the "getting irritated" part....I guess I have another way of handling this...by simply completely ignoring the people...that in turn makes me an "irritating character"! ;) just like Abhi...even I need a break! a break from myself.... a break from everything around me....I wanna go home....I wanna goto aai baba...I wanna be with the people who don't expect anything from me...who won't question me for all my actions...for all my silence....for anything and everything....I wanna be with the people who won;t try to change me...who'll take me the way I am...who'll love me the way I am...I wanna go home....just waiting for manager to come back so that I can talk about my leave! ;)

Monday, August 27, 2007

its' rakhi today....

its' Rakhi today....

missing you Bhai...:((

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I was in Chicago downtown the day before...just spending some time there before I leave this place...Chicago downtown is few of the better downtowns I have seem so far...I like being there...m gonna miss this place....I was just roaming around the place and saw Barnes and Noble...cudn't stop myself from getting inside the shop...and there I went in...and behaved like an uncontrollable moron! I do that every time I see books all around me...Schaumburg Library is another place that handles my hyper behaviour! :) I just kept on picking books one from each aisle I walked through...only after I had some 10-12 odd books with me, I realized that I won't be able to buy all of those...and somewhere the child inside me got really sad:( I placed all the books back to their places with a heavy heart...and picked ONLY ONE book to take with me...the book's "Send in the Idiots" by Kamran Nazeer...I had to read this one since a long time...I came out of BArnes n' Noble smiling having done something good for the day...and went ahead to do something better...I walked a couple of blocks and placed myself comfortably in Starbucks on a couch (near the window) with my Cappucino (with Hazelnut, Grande') and a big piece of blueberry coffee cake and enjoying my book! GAWD I enjoyed the whole thing just as a kid enjoys his icecream (one in each hand)!! It was something I hadn't done for quite sometime....nothing would have made me feel better....u bet! BAck in Mumbai, I used to often goto CCD at Bandra and enjoy my coffee, my book and the sea in the front...this is one the best ways I spent time alone...and I love doing it...As for the book...its' a real good one...do read it when u get time...I just came upstairs after reading near a small lake near my apartment...thats another of my favourite places to read a book...I am done halfway...just waiting for this song to complete before I get back to my book....do listen to "maula mere le le meri jaan" from Chak de India...its' a very soothing song...at least makes me feel at peace....

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

marriage....aah!

the most complex thing is this world are human beings!! and they have this inherent ability to further complicate their lives....I watch people struggling with themselves...for doing something they don't want to...then thinking that maybe they want to...then battling to find out what do they exactly want...whether they are actually moving towards their happiness or moving away from it....everyone around me is getting married or at least moving towards getting married....some because they have finally found the right person...and others because they have to...or they should....and then I am being asked why I am not thinking about it...I end up giving a simple one line reply..."simply because I don't feel like." and I end up showing attitude...funny...ain't it...!?!? isn't it a very simple thing to understand that I simply don't feel like getting married right now...'coz I haven't found the right person...the day I'll find the right person, it won't even take a moment for me to take this decision...right now for the world that seems to be the "ultimate" thing I need to do!! :)) So for all the people around who are worried for my marriage....don't worry...I'll get married...and you guys won't even realize when that happens....:))


Hey, time won't wait...


Life goes by...


Every day's a brand new sky...


Every tear comes to dry...


by Rebecca Lynn Howard and Jim Brickman










Sunday, August 19, 2007

Its’ 4 in the morning and I am wide awake…there was thunder n’ lightening outside and I got up to check …cudnt get to sleep after that...too many thoughts inside this pit we call mind…I think of a situation when I am not thinking about anything…absolutely nothing at all…and guess what!? I end up thinking how weird this thought is!!

I catch hold of Chunnu’s laptop and start playing around with the keys…I need get one now…its’ been quite sometime that I was without a laptop…gotta used to it badly…habits are bad…I hate ‘em!! For the time being when I didn’t have that easy an access to the laptop, I had got back to my old way of scribbling…in its’ literal sense…I was with my diary and pen…feels good for a change…kinda reliving some old days…I scribbled some stuff about my NY and Vegas trip in the diary…maybe someday I’ll put that on the blog…but I am really not sure when…

Life has been taking its’ twists n’ turns…things happening, people coming and going…old friends meeting n’ departing…new friends in the making…earlier I used to wonder about this whole thing…but only now after all these years…after making friends, parting ways, meeting again and making new ones…I have accepted this as a way of life…and I get amused by the number of friends I have made in this journey…

My current assignment got over last week…waiting for the next one…I miss going to that office…as for the work, its’ gonna be there, at some place or the other…its’ only the people that make the difference…we get so greedy for friends and relationships…all we want is more…Pooja left for India last week…all for good…though I have accepted the fact that parting ways is just a part of life…I still have a strong dislike towards that thought though…I hate bidding goodbyes to people…Palak was the first one I had bid goodbye to when he left for his college after school...I happen to remember him for some reason or the other...23rd july was his b'day...I miss wishing him...I chose to forget the fact he is no more...ahem ahem back on the track....this mind is an abyss for thoughts...i get lost at times...so back to bidding good byes and parting ways...i realize that somewhere I have changed…I have grown up…after coming here, Chunnu always blames me for becoming more of “less emotional” types, a major reason being that I accept the things that happen around in a very matter-of-fact way…I have kinda stopped trying to change people or to be more precise, stopped expecting anything at all from people around…so things don’t bother me now…not that I have become less thoughtful or less emotional; only that this way keeps me happy n’ cool…its’ very difficult to accept the fact your good friends will be moving away with time…though they’ll still be around…but the boundaries of that “being around” will keep expanding with each passing day…that priorities will change in life…that something “more important” will be there in your friends’ lives…the sooner you accept this fact…the better it becomes…maybe now I have completely accepted this fact, Chunnu thinks me of a less emotionl, less thoughtful kinds…but I don’t blame her for that…she ought to think this way…’coz she hasn’t seen me detaching from things and people around so easily before…:) as for my friends…I love them all…I miss them all… and I’ll be there for them always… until something more important comes up…!! As of now…you guys be happy to have me around…that “more important” is still to come…;) and whenever you feel down…just watch a couple of episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.!! nothing can beat it! And it works all the time!! I can bet on that!! And you know what!?!? I love Chandler!!! He rocks!

As of now, I am so tempted to wake up everyone…(the wicked ritu in action) ….i hope it doesn’t rain that hard…we are planning to go to the temple today (the spiritual ritu will be in action!!)hehehheheee

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I win...


I get up and its’ still dark…
Shadows of the past all around me…
I am trying to catch the shadows…
And the shadows trying to catch me…
Don’t know when this game started…
Don’t know when I became a part of it…
But its’ not just me who’s playing this game…
Its’ not just me who wants to win this game…
And there I see is the end of it…
‘coz there I see is the dawn…
the rays have pierced the dark…
taking me towards the morning…
taking me where I belong…
holding my hand and guiding me along…
and I finally I win the game…
‘coz the shadows are behind me…
and all ahead of me is light…

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

help me find this poem...:)

its' not once...not twice...but has happened more than often....where I just happened to surf the net...visiting sites, reading stuff...and came across poems that happened to be my favorties...and then I thought some of the poems that I read in my schooldays....one such is Solitary Reaper by William Wordsworth that I read in my VI Std. and is one of my favorites....



Solitary Reaper

BEHOLD her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.


No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne'er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?—
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?
Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;—
I listen'd, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.


There's one other poem called "Simon Snoot's Whiskers" that I had read in my VIII Std. and remember as one of the poems that made me understand what similies were!!! I have searched the net thoroughly for this poem but failed :( Anyone of you reading this if at all happens to find the poem "Simon Snoot's Whiskers"...do let me know!!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

a nice Saturday...











I, me, myself....these words were getting onto my head for the past few days...I suddenly realized that since the day I have arrived here, its' me, my flight, my job, my manager, my work, my trips, my shopping...ain't that too much! its' just too much!!

I missed the days when I used to get down at Mumbai Central station and goto Victoria Memorial School to spend some time with the kids there...and come back feeling content that I have done something that goes beyond "me"...I cudn't find a chance to do anything similar here...and I wasn't very pleased about it...on top of it, I met people who were so self obsessed...obsessed about the appearance, the looks, not that its' something unusual...but at times it gets just too much! there so much to see, think, feel and ponder upon than just ourselves, our looks, our clothes...isn't it!! I just happened to get a chance to volunteer for this sports n' fest organized for disabled kids by a local newspaper...perfect timing for me...I needed something like this badly ... and after a long time I experienced that feeling of satisfaction like I used to have when I used to goto VMS...
When I came back home and thought about it...I happened to realize about feelings that are so universal...compassion, love, the happiness you get when u make a smile appear on someone's face...the sadness and helplessness you feel when you see people around you in pain and you can't do anything about it...except for being there...everything is beyond the race, caste, color, boundaries, nations, language...all the stuff that we have just made up for ourselves...the reason for which I still haven't understood...at the end of everything, its' only about lending a hand...passing a smile...empathise with the pain...share the happy n' sad moments...and feel satisfied...and isn't it ironical that I do all this 'coz it makes "me" feel good....

Sunday, May 20, 2007

after a long break...

its' been ages I sat down and given myself some time ...there have been so many thoughts and experiences that have been wandering in my mind...waiting to come out...and now that I have actually thought to take them out...I feel stuck...I feel lost...I dunno how to put them down....the experiences are so many and so different...that made me feel happy, sad, nostalgic, depressed, excited, serious, funny... exeriences which made me realize how varied are the thoughts, concepts and expectations of people on things...Friendship...its' a big word...ask me...and I'll define it as the ability to share Silence...to understand the silence...another person I know happened to expects everything to be spoken explicitly in friendship...each and every thought...and then I sit down and wonder...does everything actually needs to be spoken out to be expressed?? I can never relate to that...maybe that's one of the reasons I am misunderstood many a times...but then yes, there are times when you actually need to speak out things...else it haunts you all your life...

I have been going around and watching places...places that were beautiful and new....that made me feel excited, and wonder about the beauty on earth...about the several destinations that I still haven't reached...the variety of places just keeps on increasing...from the natural beauty of tulips in Holland to the amazing work of architecture and imagination in St. Louis when I stood in front of the Arch...still going further to the hidden beauty of stalactites and stalagmites in the Meramac Caverns...something that I had just read in books...but then in all the variety of these places...I felt something thats so much universal...the people and their emotions....while I was sitting in one of the restaurants having my breakfast...I saw a couple in their seventies who seemed to have come for a vacation...and only then I realized that human emotions are just beyond the boundaries of nations, cultures, languages, age...two people who have spent a large part of their lives together will love each other immensely and selflessly no matter where they live, what language they speak or how they look...and after watching that cute old couple somewhere inside me I wanted to meet my better half....soon....:)

Time at the workplace just flies off...work keeps me busy all the time...good in a way...I don't have the time to miss home, family, friends...people at the workplace are a variety in themselves...from really soft spoken lot, to the ones full of life...always ready to help...to the typical managers who are all concerned about nothing else but their work been done...I've had my share of experiences with all these varieties of people...and then I witnessed something that I knew only theoretically...I had only read about people being laid off from their jobs until I actually saw this happening at my workplace where people were called in and told they need not come to the office from the next day...!! and people took it in their stride after feeling a bit disappointed...almost all my managers and colleagues here are pretty older to me and they take me as a kid many times! After this layoff thing happening...one of them managed to crack a joke on this drama...leaving me absolutely blank for a reaction...after watching me for a second, he simply smiled, patted my back and said, "You have just started your career...I have seen this many times in the 30 years of my career...So don't feel bad...this is the way things happen..."

Its’ high time people around me…especially elders think that I should get married…J and even people of my age have been seriously thinking about settling down in life…not that I am not thinking about it, but there’s something different in the way I think that’s not so usual like my other friends…I am watching people talking to 2-3 even 4-5 guys and doing a parallel analysis as to which one is the closest to their idea of groom!! No offence attached, but I don’t understand how can one talk to 4-5 guys and take a decision! I don’t know maybe if things don’t go right, even I might end up doing something similar…but u bet…I can never handle that parallel analysis thing! Thanks to mum n’ dad who are supporting enough for not asking me do something like this…I believe that things just click when they are destines too…sounds filmi…no it doesn’t to me…I need to feel the click to take a decision…and defining that click is beyond my scope!! hope it happens soon…again…

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

beauty in irony...

I ended my previous post with..."Life is beautiful"...and I start this one adding..."Life is ironical"...maybe thats the beauty of it...It gives you instances to ponder upon...experiences to learn from...the good and the bad things popping up and disappearing and popping up again...like a sine wave...the moment we go on a high with all the good things happening around, it puts you into something which makes you realize...'anything can happen'....

I was very happy the day before for certain things going right, certain chapters coming to an end...and I get a news which shook me...which was big enuff to HIT me badly...Sanu just called me and said one line..."Sujatha has been detected Brain Tumor"....I felt numb for a second...its' been the second time within 3 months something like this happened...it was motu's mom and now its' Sujatha...and only now I realize the worst part of being SO far away from home....I can't just go and see someone I love...had I been in Mumbai, I would have been with Sujatha...could see her...could hug her...now that I am here...all I do is pray for her...pray for a girl who's just too sweet to face something as awful as this...but then I also know that good things happen to good people...things like these are the testing times to make us realize that we can't control things beyond a point...I have seen motu's mum, motu, her family going through the pain...and coming out of it...and I know that Suji is going to come out of it too...!! every dark cloud has a silver lining...every bad phase has to be followed by a good one...it has to...and it will...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I completed this post...finally!!!

its' been quite a while I have written something...not that I was falling short of things to scribble about...but somehow cudnt manage to pen down my thoughts....my last writeup was bad....as was my mood that day! but thats gone now...over...completely over...lessons learnt..."Don't get shocked/surprised/pissed off by people's actions"...anything is possible!

I had better things waiting for me after this bitter experience...I was flying to Washington DC to meet Shruts and Mattoo! It had been so long I had seen Shruti...the 3 clowns were back together again...what we did the most...missed our 4th clown...missed her just too much to mention...the next thing we did...laughed and laughed and laughed on all those stories that we remembered umpteenth time!! I have stopped the count we repeatedly talked about our "HIGH kisse and kaand" and rolled on the floor laughing!!! another interesting phenomenon: meeting MAttoo's roomies: a kallu, a mongolian, 2 Indians: one sweetly wierd and another simply wierd!! they might be thinking us as wierd; especially when sheenu, shruti and I were just laughing our hearts out!! all perception uc ;))

the next two days were just too short to pass by...we just went on and on and on looking places...The Capitol, The White House, The Washington Memorial, The Lincoln Memorial, Pentagon, and not to forget the museums....those were just TOO many and TOO huge to cover in a couple of days...at the end of everything I felt so short of time in my hands...I mean just come to think of it...so many things to do, so many places to visit, so much to learn, so much to know...wished life was longer to do all of these...wished days had 48 hrs...or maybe 96 ;))...I also went to the National Cathdral in DC...it was HUGE, it was beautiful and it was so peaceful there...all n' all my DC trip was fun! only that I missed the Cherry Blossom Festival by 15 days:( some other time...

the next week I went to the TCS Springfest party...hoping to see some good guys around...;) but ALAS! I went there only to find out about the growing numbers of those "typical" South Indian guys in Chicago :((( not that all South Indian are bad...c'mon who knows better than me! he was a tamilian ....but the crowd here was saddeningly bad :((

I dunno wheres days fly off...weeks are over in a flick...lemme remember if I have done something significant in the past two weeks...ummmm....work...aah c'mon! I need to remember something "significant"...well that leaves me with only one thing..."watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S."!!! I have always been a die hard F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan...only at times my craze to wtch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. becomes dormant for some reasons...it currently its' UP and very much UP! so I have been watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. like everyday till I can manage...the only reason that makes me stop that is the thought of getting up in the morning...:(( and each time I watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S., I end up with one conclusion...." I love Chandler!!!!" "I simply absolutely love him!!"

another weekend has started...and whatta start! I get a wakeup call asking me to login and solve some production issue!! rocking! isn;t it!! :)) neways, after the "safai abhiyaan" aka "cleanliness drive" of our house...I sit down here to complete my post that has been lingering around since ages....

and last but not the least...I am very happy today...for reasons not to be mentioned...its' a day for aai, baba, bhai and I to celebrate!! Life is beautiful....

Monday, March 05, 2007

Happy Holi!!




It was holi yesterday…for the first time in my life I celebrated Holi that was so dry!! My roomies were giving me a whatta-nonsense-gal-she-is looks when I was dancing around in the house asking them to celebrate holi!!! Finally we were at our friend’s place with red faces and a happy feeling inside me that I finally “played Holi”!! time and again things happen that remind me that I am away from my-home…my-place…I am finding myself in the midst of thoughts…thoughts that seem to be so conflicting at times…thoughts all around me…thoughts that compel me to think…to take a stance…something that I don’t intend to do right now…

Life here is…I dunno…what can I call it? Maybe ironical…in a sense that makes you feel amused, happy, excited but sad at the same time…five people staying in one house…I can’t call it home…home is in dewas…home was where the four clowns lived…everyone here in on the phone except for me…everyone glued to the cell phone…sitting in a corner…with a handsfree attached to the ear…dinner plate in the hands and sitting in front of the laptop…no one has the time to speak to people inside the house…people…in flesh and blood…people living…moving…”in the house”!! for me…things are a bit different…I am not on the phone most of the times…reason being as simple as not having anyone to talk to the way these gals do…not that I won’t enjoy that but then at the same time I can’t talk to “just anyone”….i have my dinner watching TV…I hate eating food in front of the laptop!! And the most ironical part which pinches me…bugs me…hurts me…bothers me is Chunnu and I used to talk more when I was in India and she was here…here…we just miss out on talking to each other…and by the time I realize that I find Chunnu on the phone or Chunnu finds me asleep or checking out some production issue….!!

I am not feeling well today and I am missing home…I am missing aai baba…and I am missing them badly…we take so many things granted in our life! When I am sitting here and tapping the keyboard with this stuff I remember the khichdi aai prepared…I remember her stroking my hair and her hands on my forehead to check the temperature…dad’s taking my side when aai used to scold me…those quarrels with bhai…and both of us being locked in the room…our playing Holi together…going to market with baba sitting on the scooter to buy pichkari and balloons and colors…there’s something here that makes me feel hollow…empty from inside…and then I am surrounded by the thought of good things here…I just find myself short of people to share all this with…

I was reading Abhinav’s blog yesterday…only that he puts up everything with a coating of something that sounds funny…that looks funny…but the feeling is universal…even he misses home…his mom…his place…but presents it in a much better way...very much unlike me…

And last but not the least, some additions to my last writeup…

Found this sketch by Sujatha…she had gifted this cute Popoye sketch to me…just like that! I have put that on my desk…remember her when I see that sketch…

Went to play bowling yesterday…missed Mahan n’ Surya…missed the times when I used to hangout with these guys…and played bowling to vent out the “negative energy”…that how Mahan used to call it…!!

Read Vamsi’s blog and missed the golden time I spent in aamchi Mumbai…I miss the local trains…BEST buses…crowd…road side shopping…hawkers with “chana chor garam”…

Each Saturday I miss going to VMS (Victoria Memorial School for the visually impaired)…miss the kids…miss the feeling to contentment I used to have after teaching them…miss my GANG of VMS friends…

Monday, February 26, 2007

hazaron khwahishen aisee...

had dinner, watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S....Sandy and Pooja have already slept, they are the "good gals" of the house!! Sheenu and Neha haven't come yet...and i am sitting in front of my laptop...thinking, missing, enjoying...and yes...writing...

there has been something or the other happening here that reminds me of people...

I was watching the Laughter Challenge on my laptop and rolled with laughter when "pehchaun kaun" act by Navin Prabhakar came!! and I missed Avi....

I was flipping the pages of my notebook when the printout of one of the emails that Vamsi had sent me dropped down...I read...I re-read...and I missed Vamsi...

I was inside this store to buy some stuff when this girl behind me happened to say "WAAAWWWW" for something...and I missed Tai...

I missed JD on 23rd...its' been 2 years we met...that was the only time I guess I was SO wrong in judging someone!! I had thot of him as a sensible serious chap and he turned out to be the maximum possible opposite sorts...!! a complete nautanki!! :))

I eat strawberries almost everyday and I miss Vipula...she loves strawberries...

I hardly make tea here...infact I haven't prepared tea since I came here...whoever drinks tea makes it for themselves...and everyday I miss Sanu...miss the moments of my cribbing to prepare tea for her...miss Sanu's expressions that became "oh-so-sweet" so that I made tea for her...although there are just too many reasons to mention why I miss Sanu...

watched OSCARS yesterday and remembered the rick drives of Sanu, me, Shruti and Vij in Mumbai at late hours after watching all the OSCAR nominated movies in Mumbai...

talked to aai about the Filmfare awards and missed watching some real "desi channels" on the TV...watching Abhishek Bachchan....:((

saw the snaps of my offshore team going on picnic...missed being with them...missed having fun with the gang there....(n' yes that inclused my tall-dark-handsome PL at offshore!!!) ;))

as for aai, baba and bhai...I don't need a reason...an instance to miss them....

but then I enjoy being here...meeting new people...doing a job which is challenging...exploring new places...eating out...hanging out...enjoying the snowfall...the drive...the place...the system...the culture...

and now I wonder on a situation where I am enjoying all this stuff with the people I love...my aai, baba, bhai...friends...

we get so greedy at times...we want everything all together...why don't desires come to an end...why aren't dreams over....

but then we need desires...a desire to live...a desire to fulfill the desires...dreams would never be over, 'coz each time we will goto sleep...we'll dream of something and get up with a desire to fulfill that dream...

hazaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dum nikle...
bhaut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikle...